You Are Beautiful But…

“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.”
― Rita Mae Brown

I am seated at a patio lounge overlooking the majestic Burj Khalifa. Sipping an over priced cocktail as I listen to my date’s voice mesh with the Ibiza style music. I watch his eyes wander every time a long legged, size nothing, barely clothed woman walked by. I smile as he realizes I caught him again. He stammers and tries to remember to be a gentleman but it is too late. The illusion of civility fades away like the mists of Avalon. And then he says “You are beautiful but…”

As much as I would like to castrate him for a being a poor example of a human being, let alone a man; it dawned on me that I have been improving myself in the past 4 years since my divorce just not for Dubai standards. I allowed my date to explain himself further and he was happy to tell me why I didn’t fit his idea of a perfect woman.

He said I should wear a wig or get a weave to increase my hair length.

He thought a reddish brown hair dye was more my color never mind that it didn’t match my complexion.

I was to take a course in makeup application because my makeup was nice but could be improved.

I was to lose more weight because then I could compete with the size nothing generation better.

I should cover my nails with acrylic tips and wear gloves so it didn’t interfere with my cooking.

Oh last and not least, I was to be open to following the trends regardless of if they suited me or not because how dare I not be a fashion whore?

At this point, I took a deep breath and swallowed my saliva that had been pooling in my mouth. I smiled again. I wished that a thousand camel flies would infest him for life but alas that isn’t fair. We are all entitled to our opinions. It isn’t fair that I didn’t meet his requirements even though this was not a blind date. It isn’t fair that he writes his height as 5’7 on the dating site but yet is probably 5’4 on a good day. It isn’t fair his receding hairline, overly tight tailored t-shirt and his beer belly expose him as a middle aged man who is trying to attract a size nothing woman which he will eventually have to purchase for the night. It just isn’t fair.

I could analyze this moment and blame it on the fact that I am size 14 but it is more than that. Perhaps because once again, society shows me I am not the right shade of woman but I would be simplifying it. If I was a size nothing, no self esteem woman, my date would have broken me. How do you compete when the norm is nothing like you? Do you assimilate or admit defeat? Do I add every strand of “Brazilian” hair to my full head of hair, bleach my skin so I am more caramel than my dark chocolate, do I shave my full brows just to draw them on or even worse have them tattooed on? I haven’t even touched on my weight yet. I could have wasted my breath explaining but then it dawned on me- I am perfectly imperfect. And I loved me.

When my ex and I divorced, I was left with a void that was me. I was told I was strong for leaving him, stupid for marrying him, should have had a child before I left him or should have just shut up and put up. Everyone had an opinion. I couldn’t hear my own voice. Then at 10,000 feet during a sky-dive, I heard my voice for the first time in months. All I wanted to do was scream. I need to exorcise all the demons I held within, all the pain, everything that had come to encompass me but didn’t define me. Perhaps this was my “Waiting to Exhale” moment but I didn’t feel powerful. I was a shell and all I wanted to do was cry. So I did. I locked myself in for a weekend and cried until I threw up. I knew I was dying. I heard my voice again and this time it said, “I choose to live.” I wasn’t suicidal but I finally realized that we are often seeds in society and the wind blows us in every which way but unless we decide to let our roots grow and stand strong for whoever we are, we will always flail in the wind.

So as my date explained why I wasn’t his dream girl, I allowed my roots to grow deeper and I sat up taller. I saw the moment when he realized that I wasn’t the seed he thought I was and I watched him get insecure. I smiled. I explained who I was and where I was coming from and how I would never be his dream girl but I was okay with that because frankly he wasn’t my dream man either and he would fail me. I saw his roots retreat and his shoulders slump. This wasn’t the date he planned. I was supposed to be in awe of him and not the other way around. As I tried to cut the date short, he ordered another round because he was about to do something he had never done before, he was going to listen. All in all we had a lovely evening after that and he tried to make future plans but I was polite and added him to my mental blacklist.

NEXT!!!